I've been acting like I'm fine for the past week, because I feel like I should be. But rather than that actually being the case, I'm turning every emotion I'm feeling right now inward on myself.

Self destruct mode. That's the point I'm at.

Here, I'll make a confession, seeing how hardly anyone reads this anyway... I started cutting myself when I was 15. I stopped about a year and a half ago, and then when this happened? I started again. The difference? No matter how often I do it, no matter how deep I go, it isn't helping anymore. Nothing is making this skin crawling, self hatred feeling go away, nothing.

My friend asked me last night why I still do it then, and I admitted, I keep going hoping that I finally hit a point that it *does* change something.

I don't like myself right now. I don't see how anyone could. Yes, I am blaming myself, because I walked right into what happened. Every single warning sign, I ignored it, and I'm a black belt for Christ's sake. I should have been able to do something.

SOMETHING.
Right?

I want to disappear, and I'm almost angry at my friends for being so close to me because they won't let me do that. It's easier having no one around. When you self destruct into almost nothing... no one notices. I can't do that this time.