I've been acting like I'm fine for the past week, because I feel like I should be. But rather than that actually being the case, I'm turning every emotion I'm feeling right now inward on myself.

Self destruct mode. That's the point I'm at.

Here, I'll make a confession, seeing how hardly anyone reads this anyway... I started cutting myself when I was 15. I stopped about a year and a half ago, and then when this happened? I started again. The difference? No matter how often I do it, no matter how deep I go, it isn't helping anymore. Nothing is making this skin crawling, self hatred feeling go away, nothing.

My friend asked me last night why I still do it then, and I admitted, I keep going hoping that I finally hit a point that it *does* change something.

I don't like myself right now. I don't see how anyone could. Yes, I am blaming myself, because I walked right into what happened. Every single warning sign, I ignored it, and I'm a black belt for Christ's sake. I should have been able to do something.

SOMETHING.
Right?

I want to disappear, and I'm almost angry at my friends for being so close to me because they won't let me do that. It's easier having no one around. When you self destruct into almost nothing... no one notices. I can't do that this time.

After getting my copy of the police report yesterday... I realized there are some steps that just won't help me cope with this. The officer I spoke to in the hospital made some very snide comments to me, so the report being as off as it was shouldn't have surprised me. Comments like "that's just how men are" and "maybe next time you'll think before sleeping with someone after only dating a month" are the two that mainly come to mind.

I get this report, and not only was it declared that no crime was convicted, I was considered a willing participant. No details were put in about me hitting him to get him off of me, crying, nothing. But the details on the 4 drinks I'd had the entire night? Those were in there. I called her commanding officer today and told him the report wasn't accurate, and his assumption was that I was changing my story. I told him she recorded it, and if he listened, he'd hear it.

He called me hours later saying he heard that I'd said those things, but it was decided it was consensual.

I'm sorry, but saying "stop" and slapping someone on the chest in an attempt to get them off of you? That's rape. I was blaming myself for weeks, but this has finally sealed the deal.

What happened was wrong.
I was the victim here, and no matter what preconceived notion that officer had about me before she spoke to me... I did nothing to deserve that. I understand her CO needs to stand up for her, but the bottom line? I'm not pursuing any other action. Every time anything with the legality comes up, I entirely fall apart again.

It's time for me to move on and start healing, and I can't do that if I keep bringing this up in this manner. I'll go to counseling, I'll lean on my friends, but what I won't do? Is try and beg some asshole cop to believe me.

Rape is a fucking ugly word.

My life was okay. Stressful, but okay, and now look at me. At least I filed a report, that's... a step, I guess.



...I hate him.

Anytime I told someone "I used to" I'm apparently a liar.

It's a way of life all over again, and its really pathetic... its all I have.

I want to say someday, I'll want to stop.
I want to say that someday, it won't be this way.
I want to say that... someday... I'll forgive myself.
For all of it.


But its been 9 years.
More than 1/3 of my life.

Pretty clear... "someday" probably won't ever happen.

Being told by you... that you're a fool for loving me, I suppose it shouldn't strike me in that manner. Perhaps I'm the fool for taking offense, when clearly it wasn't meant that way.

Perhaps its only because I feel like a fool for still crying myself to sleep over my fiance leaving.

It absolutely rips me apart that I spent so much of myself, gave it all to him. My heart, my body, my mind. I loved him, more than I ever thought I'd let myself. The entire time he was in Iraq I spent on wedding plans and growing close with his family.

It didn't take much for him to shoot me a 4 sentence e-mail throwing it away. It took even less for him to find another woman, marry her, and start a family with her 3 weeks later. The day before our wedding day.

It shouldn't leave me in a ball on the floor, unable to breathe, move, just knowing that while I was planning on this family with him, finally at peace knowing how badly I wanted another family, that not only did he replace me in that position... I lost my child.

What kind of mother can't even keep her child safe within her own womb?

I'm not okay right now, and I'd be lying if I said I was. There's a party going on at my house right now, all my friends are here, and I'm in my room debating if I want to cry myself to sleep alongside nothing but an empty space on the other side of my bed.

I'm disposable, and that's been clearly defined for me.

I suppose this is my fault, and mine alone, for myspace stalking. Going to her page and seeing nothing but album after album of their wedding, their honeymoon, ultrasound pictures.

I have no one to blame but myself right now.
I do know that.

Forgiveness is the only way to move on, and this is the only person in my life I haven't been able to do that for.